My Baby: Truths Exposed

Have you ever had a lightbulb moment within yourself where a long held belief, action or way of being is suddenly and surprisingly uncovered? No? I hadn't either until a few weeks ago. This realization stemmed from my frequent conversations about one of my four sons who, although he is not the youngest, I refer to him exclusively as "my baby". He actually turned 19 today💜💛

When talking about him I always prefaced by stating the fact that he was not my youngest but he was my baby. A few weeks ago the reason behind this term of endearment was made clear to me!

It started as I reflected and wrote about my life before active addiction when I was a young, seemingly innocent (compared to later years) wife and stay at home mom. The reality hit me like a ton of bricks but I forced it out of my mind until now.

The reason why I unconsciously labeled my fourth born as my baby was because he was a baby, my baby before I entered the destructive world of crack cocaine addiction! His birth was the final completely untainted experience of my pre-addicted life! He himself was the epitome of the life that I left behind, thrown away in a last ditch effort to end the deep internal pain and wounds of my life not being what I just knew it would be. Sadness and depression clouded the otherwise joyful years which were my childrens formative years, and in many ways my formative years as well- only in a different way.

I know the facts of that year and the years that followed yet there was a shroud of darkness that I dared not peak into. Until now. I ask myself how could the blessed life with my children in one season be the focus of my hopes, desires and prayers in another season? I had actually possessed what I have spent numerous years now dreaming of attaining again to no avail.

I did not know the effects drugs would have on my life and of course not my childrens lives. Even now the residue is still there unfortunately. Yes, everyone who knows me knows that I love my five children, ages 26, 23, 21, 19 and 15, tremendously yet the somewhat rhetorical question plagues my mind. If I loved them as I have always professed, how could I have missed so many years because of addiction/ drugs? The honest answer- I did NOT know! I did not know or foresee the tragic outcomes. I did NOT know that sad day in 2006/2007 would be the first in a series of detrimental seasons in our lives, the effects of which are still felt by us all so many years later.

As I look back, for many years I have closed my eyes and imagined various instances in the past where I would have, could have made different decisions and choices. This has haunted me for so long. The proverbial "if I knew then" only causes me to shake my head literally-not in disbelief but in disgust.. Today, being in a season where I am longed to be since 2008 there are many battles that have been won but there have also been heartbreaking casualties of war. I will share on the specifics at a later date. I will end for now with this truth: It is only by the GRACE and MERCY of MY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS THE CHRIST THAT I AM STILL HERE! IF IT HAD NOT BEEN FOR HIM I WOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY! I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SHARE THIS TODAY! BECAUSE OF WHO HE IS I AM ABLE TO BE THE WOMAN OF GOD I AM TODAY! So in spite of all of the bad decisions and choices I have made, my decision to CHOOSE JESUS supersedes them all. This is why I will never stop lifting up the name of the Lord! So if you don't know, now you know...........As I meditate on the past I gratefully await the seasons to come which shall be overshadowed by the freedom in Christ I am now destined to continually bask in. And for that today, I am forever grateful.

Photo by Nick Fewings